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 Random lil' Guy
by
your humble Taco Prince
Well kids, its been a great while, so here goes nothing. But wait, I do have an excuse. Ahem, if you have had your eyes closed as of late, you'd miss the fact that I have the cards in my binder marked for sale(pretty much all of them). That is a significant hint that I have finally begun coming through on my "quitting" schematics. I apparently surprised some of you after all this time. For example: "Chris, you're quitting?!?!!?" Think back long enough to where I actually did play that much at all. I've been selling cards as long as I've played. I took quite a kick in the ass earlier this year when "the stack", my reference to the most valuable stack of cards I've ever had(Morphlings, dual lands, Masticores, painlands, etc., etc., etc.), were ripped from my clutches(meaning they were,for a lack of better words, stolen). About 200 bucks worth of cards, if not more. That sucks. I won't go into that whole brouhaha again. I'm just saying most people would be outraged, and for me, it wasn't really like that. I don't know why, but I didn't blow up at the kid or anything(even though he lied his ass off). "I" gave him a second chance, meaning I didn't get him banned from Casey's and I didn't "kick his ass like I should have". That little event there was seriously a major reason I don't play much. That killed my morale. I don't even know if I've done an article since then. I have played in tournaments and all, but none of them were "exciting" enough to write anything on. Most of the time(in this case, the monster mash especially) my games would repeat themselves and I'd cast the same cards over and over again, and I'd never win or lose in any spectacular manner. I use so many quotation marks and parentheses if you haven't noticed. You know, (<--these little guys-->) and "<--these cute babies-->". Sorry. "Habit". Well, if I do still have your attention COCKSUCKER Ah, now I definitely do. I'm off to type this report, I think. Well, wait. Don't I have to have a topic? Shit, I knew I was missing something. No, for real. I don't even know what the hell this is going to be about. I'll figure it out along the way. Maybe. You know, its so weird 'cause I'm typing this at my dad's house of all places. No computer of my own, unless this laptop of Adam's counts. Well, its in my house, so technically that makes it mine, right Talby? Where am I? Oh, Magic. Yeah, I'm pretty much done, unless Mirrodin kicks some ace, which, hmm, artifacts kick ass and all. I don't know. To me, I don't see how they could make the game what it was before. I did like 8th edition quite a bit, but still. That doesn't make up for Odyssey thru Scourge. Psychatog, Blue-green, and mono-black for a while. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now its Goblins! Ugh! They're good, yes. But. Goblins. Ok. I'm done. Hope you enjoyed my article. Ciao!
Aw, shit. You didn't fall for it. Now I actually have to do something. Uh. Hi. I'm 6'2, 211 lbs., like long baths, croquet, and daisies. No? Alright, something else then. Maybe I'll do something like sideboard.com and give you a decklist and some boring comments. Huzzah! I'm off.
2 Sootfeather Flock(solid)
2 Zombie Cutthroat(overrated, but still, I got PASSED these, and 1 was FOIL)
1 Nantuko Husk(probably MVP)
1 Festering Goblin(scares morph creatures apparently)
1 Reaping the Graves(never mattered)
1 Dragon Shadow(not great in this for some reason)
1 Prowling Pangolin(pretty damn good....in draft)
2 Goblin Turncoat(they were my strike force)
1 Gempalm Polluter(ooh! I got Robert for 2 life ONCE)
1 Cabal Archon(not many Clerics, but I hear life loss is good anyways)
1 Smokespew Invoker(never used its ability. I'm crying a river)
2 Lingering Death(solid creature kill, runner-up for MVP)
1 Goblin Machinist(the "bomb")
1 Goblin Grappler(sucked....seriously)
1 Goblin Sledder(ok)
2 Scattershot(this card is gay, it made me get my hopes up, only to crush them)
1 Flamestick Courier(I have Goblins, this pumps Goblins, but it was useless)
1 Carbonize(another close MVP, no, never mind, this is the MVP)
1 Rotlung Reanimator(actually not that great in here)
1 Forgotten Cave(never, ever dreamed of needing this, but it can fit, well, wait, thinking over again, this actually screwed me over TWICE, meaning I could have gotten any other land than this)
11 Swamp(all FOIL baby)
6 Mountain(they produce red mana....and are very, very FOIL)
Well, this deck is what I drafted recently. It was good. It should have beaten Rudy's luck-filled asshole. Eric's too! Hmm, Goblin Assassin is really good. No. I should not lose 3 fucking flips in a row, especially when it really matters. Fuck you two. You guys suck...dick. I did manage some great games other than with these two. I drafted quite well thank you. Since it was only 6 dollars, I decided I'd play. I got passed a FOIL Hunting Pack, which I sold immediately afterwards for 3 dollars, and the Rotlung I sold for 3 bucks as well, so I feel good with the whole turnout. I "profited" a Caller of the Claw, which is good enough for me. However, that isn't remotely close to Andrew's "skill" at rare drafting. How often do you get a 10 dollar rare in one pack, and then an amazing foil rare in the next(neither of which he used), and still manage a strong deck? Thats crazy. I love you Elfdrew.
This kinda gets me on the topic of formats. In general, I like draft very much. There is much skill, and I always enjoy seeing people like Eric opening their pack and looking through and saying: "All these cards fucking suck. Hahaha!!!" . Thats classic. I do that too. "Hmm, which gay creature or useless spell should I draft?". I even like Zach's "logic": to draft whatever card has a beast in the picture. I told him to draft all the scary monsters and all cards with 2 words in the title. That will bring you much draft success. However, with such limited amount of good cards, you can easily get stomped if you fall just a little bit behind(this is a bad thing if you didn't get the hint). All formats have definite flaws, and draft certainly has that flaw of being dumb at times.
Now, for Type 2. Type 2, Type 2. I used to love Type 2. Hmm. Not too much now. Yeah.
Type 1. Type 1, Type 1. I have never liked Type 1 much. Yeah.
Masques Block Constructed. By far my favorite format. Actually, long story short, I really practiced this format. No, for real this time. Ironically, I ended up going to a PTQ(a qualifier for all you shlubs out there) with a deck I had no experience with. What shows up? None other than 3 decks I could have never expected to play. Regardless, I did alright, and later ended up losing to an Embargo deck. Thats right. An Embargo deck. Gee, ya don't even know what Embargo does? If you're desperate enough to find out what it does, or sadly already know what it does, you can laugh all you want. I have nothing more to say about MBC.
1.5/ Hmm. 1.5, 1.5. Yeah.
Extended, yay!!! I guess I have a prehistoric background of Extended. Ever since I've played(round 5 1/2 years ago), roughly 60-70% of all Casey's tourneys have been Extended. That is a lot of Extended, and thats fine. I occasionally got tired of it and opted for a Type 2 instead, but this is where the real action happens. There are far fewer gay cards than Type 2, as with fewer broken cards than Type 1. Its always had some sense of balance to it. It is by far my favorite format. There are a lot of deck choices, and any old Type 2 decks have potential to be useful again here. Not guaranteed by any means, but hey, I'm not God....muahahahackgogbof.
Hmm. What now? I seriously am thinking that. Like, right now. I'm typing whatever my mind tells me to. Bob went to the motherfucking garage to eat salad. UH! I don't know where that came from.(my mind, silly) Wait, who's that? Am I referring to my mind in the 0th person? Am I even being funny? I can't really tell. Its like 4:30 a.m. You know, it was so weird earlier, because I'm listening to some tunes(or beats, whatever), but like, earlier, I took the other CD I had in this laptop out, and it was like...really, really hot. Is it a laptop or an Easy-bake oven? Dude, thats a good idea. I bet nobody in their right mind has ever thought up that combination. Well, I'm off to make millions. Au revoir!
Man, you persistent little shit. I guess I have to entertain you(or bore you) furter.<--Haha. I typed "furter". Did you even notice that? I did, and I decided not to even correct it. You see, I meant to type "further". Furter. Ha! What an asshole I am. Hmm, back to that thinking thing again. Uh oh. Thats right! I just completed my new unbeatable deck! Wallstall version 4.93:
4 Squire
4 Squee, Goblin Nabob
4 Squeeze
4 Squee's Toy
4 Thundercloud Elemental
4 Earth Elemental
4 Water Elemental
4 Lightning Elemental
4 Armageddon
4 Leviathan
4 Polar Kraken
4 Tidal Kraken
and that leaves room for a nifty 12 land. All snow-covered Swamps. I know what you're thinking. The deck IS a bit slow, but if your opponent has Duress, YOU have the advantage. There aren't many targets, not only that, but your opponent probably thinks something is tricky if he only see Swamps and a bunch of uncastable expensive spells and 16 cards that begin with "Squ". Most players wouldn't dare tread further into this horrible matchup for them. The deck is frightening. If they don't happen to have Duress or anything that lets them see your hand, sometimes you have to play rough. Here's what you do. Pay close attention. Occassionally in the game, if your opponent is about to play a spell, here's what I do: drop an expensive blue card(namely Leviathan or a Kraken) onto the table and say "Whoops. Hehe. Dropped my card. Whoa. This isn't just a card. This is a gigantic blue creature. No, heck. Its a Kraken. Hehe. Big creatures Kraken are. Bet you wouldn't like this in play against you. Come here big guy. Back to Momma. Back in ol' mommy's lap, ok? You be a good serpentine-God and stay with me. Oh! Baby hungry? Ok. I'll let you nibble on the opponent later, right after momma's done with his bitch ass." By this time, your opponent has passed out with cold-sweats or is staring right at you, appalled by your awesomeness. After all,it's not every day you see a Kraken's mother in male human form.
I hope you've all learned something valuable from all this. I got a quick one for you- How many times does the word "opponent" appear in the above paragraph? 5 times. That right, well, wait. I probably shouldn't have put the answer directly next to the question. I'm new at this ok? Ah. I do have another idea. I have right here the new banned/restricted list in Extended:
Restricted changes:
Blastoderm is now restricted. The DCI has decided creatures with greater power than their casting cost need to be carefully regarded. Blastoderm is certainly the posterboy for this, and another reason being that untargetability does NOT work the same with new Mirrodin rules. Creatures with untargetability are too confusing for most players nowadays, but not TOO troublesome as to ban any of them.
Caller of the Claw is now restricted. Instant creatures can be too good against your opponent, says Marc Rosewater.
Giant Spider is now restricted. This card is too unrealistic. Spiders in the game should only catch low-flying creatures(like Drakes or Gryphons) and not some larger Dragons. Blocking Dragons would be difficult for the average Giant Spider. On a ligher note, Richard Garfield highly recommended banning this because of his infamous Dragon background.
Wretched Anurid is now restricted. Now that the Catholic Church has thouroughly examined Magic: The Gathering, things that are hideous or repulsive are considered "demonic" and are now restricted.
Bouncing Beebles is now restricted. More comes from the Catholics as they found in ancient texts, pre-Bible, beebles were representative of all evil(in the form of the 7 deadly sins, and even homosexuality). (On a side note from me, nobody plays with beebles anyhow, and how many cards are they going to restrict, and why not ban them anyways? This is weird. I'm reading about all kinds of lawsuits on all these websites like magicbannings/restrictions.net . I hope for you guys' sake, the game doesn't become all prissy)
Rewind is now restricted. As with all expensive countering spells, the benefit is too great for what it does. This applies for counters such as Dismiss(draw a card) and Fervent Denial(a counter with a 7 mana costed flashback).
Lastly,
Earthquake is now restricted. As with all red "X" spells, they have potential to be way too powerful late in the game. All red cards with "X" in the casting cost are now restricted.
Well, it looks like they're trying to clean up the game a bit. I don't know about this stuff. So much more to go.
Now(this could get lengthy boys), for the bannings:
Verdant Force(too big and powerful, made Reanimate and Exhume too good, and with this card, nearly all other big creatures with powerful abilities are coming to be banned. For example, Phantom Nishoba and Multani, Maro-Sorcerer are banned as well. Entomb still remains, however, as a way to thin your deck of unnecessarry cards or lands.
Recurring Nightmare(The Church again claims this card is far too evil in text)
Squee, Goblin Nabob(far too efficient)
Goblin Warchief(speed too much for the format)
Goblin Goon(creature with higher power than its casting cost)
Goblin Sledder(too confusing with advanced Mirrodin rulings)
Deranged Hermit(its total casting cost(before echo is paid) puts 4 2/2's and itself as a 1/1 in play, which adds up to be 9 total power, and is considered to be far broken in terms of splashability because nearly any deck can play it)
Wrath of God(it is considered shameful to believe God would kill everything out of spite without possibility of having a regenerating creature able to protect itself, says Cardinal Jubeau of the Catholic Church, becuase, in a sense, a regenerating creature would be symbolic of Moses, and therefore this card should be banned)
Wild Mongrel(in terms of green creatures, this is just an unreasonble Grizzly Bears with a confusing ability and is therefore also considered unrealistic because of its color changing ability, which would be difficult for the average Wild Mongrel)
Pernicious Deed(playing black-green decks seem too difficult for the average Magic player, therefore, its most powerful card is banned)
White Knight(protection from a color will change soon with Mirrodin, and so creatures with protection from a color should be banned now instead of later)
Werebear(4/4's for 2 mana are far too good for any format)
Disenchant and Naturalize(having a choice of destroying either an artifact or enchantment at any time is grounds for banning)
Careful Study(card inefficiency is frowned upon by the DCI)
Ok, I'll stop there. Thats only about half of the bannings. There are so many. I got tired of copying and pasting them. If you want the rest, go to recentmagicquestions/ban.restr.org. Its 6:30 now. Thats crazy. I'm tired...so I'll grace you with some recent quotes and happenings:
This time, I gots meself 2 things from Subway, and no, I didn't dig anything out of the trash this time. Just the toilet(man's gotta eat!).
"Uh, could I also get a penis-butter cookie?" <--me.
This ones kinda creepy. Me and my "Mexican" "friend" Rudy are eating our sammiches when I see in the corner of my eye, a middle-aged man with thick glasses barge through the door....get this....in a red bathrobe. Yeah. Seriously. Not only did he look like a modern day Freddy Krueger-esque rapist/murderer, he talked like it too. He said this to the Subway girls(who happened to be in awe as well as myself) ---> "Um, hi....I'd like a 6 inch." then he paused for 15 seconds. "Hahaha. How'd ya like that for an order? A 6 inch! Hahahehehe." Well, it started off kinda of funny when I saw Rudy look up at him when he came in and go "Uh-huh". But otherwise, I was creeped out. Sorry.
"Is not every basic edition have in a booster a land that is in the pack?" <--Paul Wang tiredly said something frighteningly similar to this. I then proceded to punch his throat, rendering his voicebox useless for eternity.
I also did manage to put a plump tree frog in my mouth while swimming at my Aunt's in Wataga. It even swam back in my mouth after I had set it free. I was it's mommy. Just ask Rudy, Paul, or my sister, Erica. No wait, check that, never...ever talk to my sister you sick fucks.
"Chrisyerquittingohmygod!?!?" <--Paul
"I'll cut off some of my hair and give it to you." <--Robert Luken(who has long hair) to Chris Talbert who "is balding". Its just one of those things I would have dreamed up. Wow. Some random dumb dreams do come true. Uh-oh. Does that mean I'll have sex with my mom? AWESOME!!!
I saw Rich and Kim coming my direction, and unfortunately they know me, so I "have" to say hi.
"Hey guys! How are ya?" <---me "Great!" <---them
"So, whatcha been up to?" <---me "Just been openin' up a can of whoopass." <---Rich
"Hiya...QUEE!!!" <--classic, dumb...but classic quote from "Zach" Ratcock Totten
The setting: Daisy Dooks. The time: I don't fucking remember....late, late at night.
A hot stripper approaches me with a generous bargain of a lapdance for ONLY 20 bucks. I refuse modestly, but quickly reply "..but you smell great!"
"Snoop Dog's Eye Gone Wild" <--Andrew and I's little phrase we say whenever we see the Girls Gone Wild volume 67 or whatever, Snoop Dog Unleashed. This came from me pointing out how dumb he is and that he'd probably hold the camera backwards and film his eyeball instead of the hot chicks in front of him.
"Aw yeah. Sure hope I cleaned the semen out of my eyes" <--Andrew commenting furthermore on the subject
"Now getting hit in the back of the head with a pillow...Michael Martinez" <--me on his karaoke machine while he played RBI Baseball on Xbox....oh, and I threw a pillow at his head...like 100 times...whenever he was at bat, trying to field the ball, whenever he reacted at me in a gay or crybaby like manner, if he was winning, losing, or just sitting there looking at me, I'd hit him with a 40 mph pillow...in the face....multiple times....and you know what, I didn't feel that bad about it because he grew up with Rudy around....to do it to him every day he has breathed.
"Now crying a river...Michael Martinez" <-- me again to Mikey
"Now flooding the stadium with tears...Michael Martinez" <--guess who
"Please stay calm. This rain will ease up, just as soon as Michael stops crying" <--haha, too much
"I'm pretty much done with this you pigfucks, so die, and go to hell, and die there too!" <--me, right now
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